I’m going to break down the following sequence of events in time line format.  You see, my friend, Jacob, claimed I could finish Bioshock 2 on hard with vita-chambers turned off by noon the next day.  What followed was one man’s epic battle against machine.

10:00 PM, Friday – Nicole and a group of our friends go out for dinner and subsequent bowling happiness. While dinner was most delicious, to our dismay, the wait time for bowling is over an hour.  This is unacceptable. To satisfy our insatiable lust for parlor games and booze we hit a local pool hall.

11:30 PM, Friday – It turns out Karaoke is in full effect, prompting Nicole to sing ‘Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked’ and ‘Suddenly I See’.

11:45 PM, Friday – In a drunken stupor, I explain to Jake, that I can’t stop thinking about Bioshock 2.  I then go on to boast that I’ll probably beat it later on in the night.  Jake cordially calls bullsh*t, and claims that the manner in which I’m playing (hard difficulty, vita chambers off) combined with my being relatively early in the game makes that impossible.  I then demand retribution and Jake (being the gentleman that he is) promises to buy me a burrito from Chipotle should I man up and complete the game by noon the next day.  I drink something with a vaguely grape-ish flavor as my vision blurs further and tell him the game is on!

1:30 AM, Saturday – Thoroughly lacking capacity to play, I sit down and pop in Bioshock 2.  Our faithful friend and DD, Jon, sits next to us long enough only to survey his new Magic: The Gathering cards.  After watching me fumble around for a few minutes, he leaves, quite amused thinking I shan’t continue much longer before the throes of sleep tighten their grasp on my already inebriated soul.  Jon is a dick, and also, wrong.

3:48 AM, Saturday – Having saved every little sister in Dionysus Park, I smugly drink from a 2-liter bottle of Coca-Cola as I continue on to Fontaine Futuristics. All inebriation has left me, leaving only dehydration and disorientation in its wake. Knowing I haven’t much longer to go until victory (and a tasty burrito) are mine.  Bleary-eyed and determined, I soldier on.

5:?? AM, Saturday – Nicole is still asleep on the couch next to me, waking up every few hours or so to interject advice on how I should tackle the next flood of splicers.  I heed her advice from time to time, desperately trying to stay awake as I soldier on toward the next to the last level.

6:45 AM, Saturday – With grim determination I watch sunlight begin creeping up over the basement windows, a subtle reminder that I’m pushing my limits.  I tell basic physiology to suck it and keep playing anyways.  I begin to wonder aloud the merits of completing such a task for a five dollar burrito.

8:30 AM, Saturday – Out of Coca Cola, I venture upstairs to the kitchen to find water to rehydrate me.  I pass our new cockatiel, Eleanor who looks at me with those cold, uncompromising eyes as she seems to peer at me with disdain from behind her iron confines.  In a bout of sleep-deprived hilarity I flip the bird to our bird, chuckling at my exquisite grasp of irony.

Stop judging me!!!

9:45 AM, Saturday – The home stretch.  Shock, smash.  Shock, smash.  I’m drilling splicers with reckless abandon and forgetting to save as often as I was. My desire to finish Bioshock 2 has overwhelmed my grasp of simple strategy.  I die a few times, perilously forcing me to backtrack with only two hours to spare.

11:00 AM, Saturday – The final battle is in full swing.  Despite my best efforts I catch myself nodding off even in the midst of the action.  In a moment of futility I attempt to modify Nicole’s lash curlers into Clockwork Orange-esque eye-keeper-openers, but to no avail. I contemplate relenting before I remember what this is all about; freedom.  Freedom and making Jake feel stupid.

11ish AM, Saturday – The battle is won, with only 40 or so minutes to spare.  I call Jake up and in his cowardice he declines to answer the phone.  I wait patiently for a while until he calls back.  I answer, and Jacob is left only to utter, “Big Brass Balls…congratulations…”

And so my epic battle was over, though I will say that Jake has yet to pay up…

Related posts:

1. Bioshock 2 Pushed Back
2. BioShock vs. BioShock 2: What’s Missing?
3. Double Feature Next Friday
4. Spliced Up, IRL